I don’t fully know what I expected to happen over the past thirty days.

The goals I held in my mind for this challenge have since been forgotten as the tides of the past thirty days have swept me down a path I didn’t ask for or understand.

I set off on this journey from a place of depression, anxiety, and overwhelm. I started this journey, in a way, to run away from the overwhelming feeling of nothingness that was enveloping me.  As I have walked the past thirty days my mindset has changed completely. I have not reached peace, or joy, but I see the light.

The past thirty days have completed the crumbling of all of my previous thoughts, ideas, and perceptions. From where I sit now, everything seems gray and uncertain. I have found even my faith to be shaken, to the point that I do not know what I believe in or who I am.

My mind has been completely blown open; everything I thought I knew or believed has been shaken and shifted and left to wither. This may sound dismal, btu I don’t mean it that way. I have simply been brought to a place where I have no choice but to be present. No choice but to let go.

The universe has lovingly forced me into a corner. I realize now what happens when you feel like you have nothing left. You no longer have any expectations, needs, desires, choices, attachment. Nothing. Just an open space for the truth to be revealed. A chance to be reborn.

I am not nothing. I am simply wiped clean.

This newfound state of nothingness brings with it both fear and excitement, sadness and hope. I have been brought to a place where I realize I have no control. My mind no longer has any solid perceptions to base future expectations on; I am truly left with nothing.

For years I’ve said that I felt like my foundation was off kilter. I told my friends that I had managed to build a beautiful house, but that the foundation underneath was askew and cracked, and therefore everything above ground was unstable.

That was how my life felt, but now I have been given the chance to start over. I have been stripped, not down to the foundation, but down to the very soil on which my new foundation will rest. No beliefs, no expectations, no plan, no control.

Nothing.

As I step fully into this reality of the unknown, my mind, or ego, is experiencing many, many things. It wants to jump immediately from depression to joy, to take being in the moment to the next step, and find joy in all things. It wants to have answers, to create stories around what happens next, to color my perception so that I can have ‘opinions’ about the way my life is unfolding.

While my ego is in this constant turmoil, the self underneath has a sense of determination, acceptance, and flow. When my ego starts to think about all the possible ways to ‘find’ the truth, either through alignment or energy work or meditation or surrender or whatever it may be, the self underneath reminds me that there is nothing to find. The answer to the peace that I seek is in simply learning to live with the voice of my ego without identifying with it. To live in the now.

Eventually, I do believe that will lead to joy, to strength, to alignment and magic and flow.

But right now, it is difficult. The work set before me is simple, but far from easy. I have been called to stay in the present moment, to recognize the ego’s voice every time it creates a story, a mentality, a perception. I have been called to notice these thoughts, but not attach. To simply accept the present moment for what it is, without thinking of what it could be.

The continuum of the ego’s unending questions merged with the Universe’s seemingly absent answers leaves me with no choice but to just be. I cannot possibly know what comes next, or even know what to hope will come next, because, as I said before, I have been wiped clean.

So that is my mission now. Not to plan, to control, to dream, or to make goals. But to simply be. To watch, to truly become the observer. To notice what life has to offer me, and pick up the pieces of my own truth along the way. I know that I have crumbled and been stripped to the soil for a reason.

If a beautiful house represents constant feelings of joy, gratitude, and peace, then building the foundation is the work underneath. Letting go of labels, releasing attachments, surrendering to what life gives me, staying present, and watching.

Before you can find joy and gratitude for everything, you first need to be able to accept things as they are. No stories. No judgement. For now, my life will be lived according to this mindset:

“Everything will always show up exactly when it needs to, unless you allow fear to get in the way.”

I crafted this mantra as a way to remind myself of three things. First, that everything is always working for my greatest and highest good. Second, to remind myself that being present and releasing my own expectations are the only things I need to be doing. Finally, to remind myself that fear does not serve me (this final portion of the mantra also encourages me to face my fears, no matter what, so that I do not miss the beautiful synchronicities that life has to offer).

All of this to say, I am going inward for a while. Not attaching labels, not defining things as good or bad, but simply allowing them to be what they are, and observing what happens next.

With that said, I believe that this blog still holds a valuable place in my life. I always process better through writing, and I believe that reading the journeys of those around us can serve as inspiration for everyone. I could say that I expect to write a weekly post, a weekly challenge, and a weekly newsletter, but it may be foolhardy to do so. In this journey of surrender and being present, I am taking whatever life offers. Some weeks that may include multiple blog posts, some weeks that may mean silence.

Whatever happens next, I am ready for it. This post, in a way, acts as a contract between myself and life: I will stay in the present, and fully release into the flow, trusting that life will take care of me.

Plain and simple. Whether or not it is easy remains to be seen.

Thank you for walking this journey with me. May we all be taken to a place we never dreamed of.

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